After being raised in an extremely unstable home, I have learned that I have underestimated how utterly devastating and earth-shattering having an emotionally unavailable and mean mother was.
Now, after 5 years of intentional recovery, I feel blessed to be healthy, to care so much and to have this space to share with you.
My main thing is and always has been that, I’ve stayed interested in my own experience. I hope that doesn’t sound self-centered but the more public you become about your childhood struggles, the more people tell you things they think you want to hear, suggest bullshit strategies for getting through it or try to praise you for being ‘so strong.’
None of that ever worked for me.
So I kept looking. Which is where a lot the education behind my program came from.
But where do I truly begin? My dad was the life of the party – loved to be the center of attention and my mother was more of the convert narcissist. Both highly manipulative and completely unavailable to feeling anything other than their own emotions, beliefs and insecurities. The rules never applied to them. It was absolutely brutal.
There was also always emotional chaos around me, that was never explained to me. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t lean on my parents, much less trust them with anything. I found that out when I would react to the chaos with tears or vulnerability and I would end up being punished somehow. I would try to explain myself to my parents but they couldn’t listen. I tried to spend time away from them and to stand up for myself and my siblings, to try and help us create a world within the chaos.
But it was dangerous. So eventually, I found ways to join in and created chaos on my own.
Essentially, it was where I felt comfortable. I played the role of the problem solver. Always perfect. Always together. Always finding an opportunity to portray how smart I was without realizing there was so much more to me.
It wasn’t until I ended up dating too many unavailable toxic men (go figure) that left me feeling anxious and devastated, … that I finally decided I needed to do something.
Shortly after, I was introduced to a self-love coach (thank you Universe) and even though I barely had enough money to pay for my own life … it was one of the best investments I ever made for my well being.
This was almost 6 years ago.
A few years after, I was introduced to the concept of narcissism by a new therapist I was trying out.
I had just left a different relationship and I was having a difficult time with it.
I had no idea we would get into the conversation about my parents and how toxic they were. Eventually, the reveal happened and I went home and was completely blown away by how accurate the information was. I found out I actually wasn’t crazy.
I tried to go back to the therapist and while I was nervous about the expense — it was actually the way she spoke to me that turned me off.
I could tell she didn’t understand. While she was educated, she was also pushy and it felt a lot like being shamed for not knowing what she told me sooner. I didn’t want to recreate the pleasing relationship I had with so many older women. I needed a healthier environment.
So I left.
With the help of my previous self love coach, I knew that there were answers inside of me that I could work on revealing on my own. I had to learn to trust my own thoughts, opinions and intuition. I was apprehensive but I said yes.
I bought a 10 books and started on my own journey.
I read, I highlighted, I wrote my own stories, I learned how to take care of myself, I learned how to manage my money, I talked my sister, I talked to my grandma ..I moved the energy, consistently and thoroughly, over and over again .. and eventually, to my absolute amazement … I got out.
Officially and excitedly, I am now clean of all of that drama and chaos.
To be completely honest, even in my own remaining frustrations around the relationship with my parents, I still believe we too often criminalize mental illness and the roots of our dysfunction and that creates a lot of shame around it.
This is why a lot of us are stuck in someone else’s story and living out someone else’s demands for our life. This is why a lot of us have chosen drugs, alcohol and shitty relationships to cope.
I want to change that.
I want to help you rearrange your emotional furniture to finally penetrate the fog and confusion involved in verbal and emotional abuse.
I want to switch the focus from learning everything we can about narcissism to truly understanding the effects of the abuse in those who are affected.
I want to speak up and help educate and guide other women in hopes to change our culture of support. And most importantly, to stop the generational cycle of disconnection so we can heal and live full lives, so our children don’t have to spend their entire existence unlearning the awful habits that we are facing now.
Before, I focused on the suffering; now, I focus only on the relief.
I LOVE looking forward to seeing what we can do together, to relieve unnecessary suffering and how we can work jointly to open, reveal and heal — wherever you are at. That’s what leadership is. That’s how revolutions happen.
So, let’s stop apologizing for who we are.
Let’s own our experience and turn it into a movement.
Let’s stop the cycle together.