It feels so heavy, doesn’t it?
That constant fear and paranoia.
That dread that comes every time you feel slightly lighter or your life seems to be a little too ‘peaceful.’
You start to panic.
You tap into that survival mode you are so used to being in and you start to prepare for a perceived ‘attack.’
Because life couldn’t be that good, right?
That would be too easy.
Where’s the struggle? Where’s the manipulation?
Where is the chaos?
And I get it.
As a child, there was always constant drama going on in my life, too.
And every time there was a lighter moment, it was ruined by something.
Whether that was alcohol, money, gas-lighting, shit-talking or paralyzing criticism.
Though sadly enough, being in the struggle was where I became most comfortable.
The darkness was where I felt the most in control.
I knew what to predict there. I thought I could protect myself there.
Therefore, any child-like joy or excitement that I would then experience, … was quickly second-guessed and then dismissed by me as I honestly just don’t think I could digest anymore disappointment.
But I would massively envy the girls who could see in different colors,
Who had shit to look forward to,
Who felt sure of themselves,
Who were excited about the weekends or who smiled all day long.
It felt impossible for me.
Even if a morning went smoothly, — I quickly would panic and resort back to that mentality of ‘well, it’s not going to last anyway.’
And just like all of the conditioning experienced in my childhood – this also followed me into adulthood.
I couldn’t accept kindness.
I’d walk away from compliments.
If a guy were interested in me and actively pursuing me – I wouldn’t let myself get excited about it and would find something wrong with him almost immediately.
If I had a job opportunity that seemed promising, — I’d quickly self-sabotage it because I already knew it wasn’t going to work out.
Everything was hard.
Life was hard.
Men were difficult.
Friendships were challenging.
Money was impossible.
The world was overall just an awful place.
Which meant, I needed to be prepared.
I needed to be ready.
I needed to know what was going to happen before it happened.
I needed to be in control.
And the easiest and most miserable way for me to do that, was to remain in the darkness.
I hated feeling this way but it was ultimately my comfort zone.
I knew what to expect here.
Because at that point, I knew kindness wasn’t free!
Peace was an absolute myth!
Oh she’s being nice to you? She must want something.
A week without shit hitting the fan? What am I not seeing? This is too good to be true.
I took myself out of a lot of opportunities living this way.
Always stressed, always anxious, always worried about the ‘what-ifs?’ and hypotheticals.
Years and years of just focusing on what could go wrong.
Fast forward to when I started breaking down my toxic behaviors and thought patterns – and I came to the crossroads of whether or not I wanted to believe I could let go of this way of operating.
Was my reality the way it was because that’s what I expected of it?
What if I let life be easy?
Why was I so afraid of tragedy?
What if I stopped living in the future?
Why did I believe that someone else could dictate how I felt?
Was I willing to see things differently?
And to be honest, — this self inventory felt very threatening to me.
I oddly enough felt protective of my darkness.
It served as my bullet proof vest to all the shittier things life could (and would, I just knew it!) throw at me.
The inner critic was a bitch and the shame could take me out for days but it was where I felt most vigilant and that was vital for me.
Because look at my path before that point — I couldn’t trust life to work out for me.
I couldn’t even trust my mother to have my back.
I couldn’t trust that my dad wouldn’t use my emotions against me if I god forbid disagreed with him.
So, how could I possibly loosen up and trust in a higher power to support and guide me?
How could I possibly trust that the other people in my life, much less a stranger, would actually want what is best for me?
And the biggest problem, and this was the game changer for me, — was that I couldn’t trust myself.
I didn’t trust me to handle any upcoming pain.
I didn’t trust me to follow through on what it was that I wanted for myself.
I didn’t trust me to implement boundaries and create the life that I knew I needed.
I didn’t trust me to get through any adversity.
Mainly because I was always told I was irresponsible, dramatic, a liar, manipulative and that life was going to really humble me once I was on my own.
And that is what needed the most work.
I needed to change the way I saw things.
I needed to change the relationship with myself.
I needed to believe in my power, my strength and my resilience.
I also had to stop obsessing and demanding people not to hurt me in order to gain access to me.
I had to stop designing my life around caution tape just fucking begging the world to leave me alone.
Because I wanted to live out loud!!
I wanted to experience more flexibility and less paranoia.
More empowerment and way less fear.
But the only way I was going to experience that, fully and truly at my own pace and in the way I wanted to, was by getting to know myself.
I had to build that relationship with me.
I had to interrogate all of the assumptions I had about society, men, women and myself.
I had to switch up the perspective I was seeing the world through.
Because if I can trust me to handle whatever comes up, there’s no room for doubt.
If I can trust me to manage any pain or disappointment, there’s no room for fear.
If I can trust myself to call bullshit when I see it and make better decisions for me, there’s no room for paranoia.
No one can pull the rug out from under me unless I let them.
No one can crash my party unless I let them.
Who fucking knew?
Because in this world, where I know myself and trust myself, I am at full cause for my reality.
I play by my rules.
I live a life that I love.
I get to choose what I feel and when I feel it.
I get to choose my reaction, my response and my participation.
As all things with this type of recovery; it took time and a TON of mindfulness to get here.
And now, there’s no longer any fear that someone will just show up and ‘ruin’ my day.
There’s no paranoia that I’ll hear this or that and oh my god, what if this happens?
Because whatever it is, whatever unfolds, whoever shows up – I got it and I can figure it out.
Ready to learn more from me?
Join my FREE FB Group HERE + the waitlist for my signature program; The Scapegoat Daughter’s Guide HERE — where you’ll learn how to release the shame, guilt and paralyzing inner critic so you can finally become that secure, clear and empowered women who stops doubting her own reality and makes choices she feels great about.