I’ll be the first person to admit that I thought the concept of ‘self-love’ was the cheesiest idea.
It felt fake, uncomfortable and entirely foreign to me.
‘you have to love yourself!’
‘love yourself first!’
Which is very easy to say but when you’ve grown up in an environment where there’s no room for slowing down,
There’s no room for boundaries or choosing yourself,
There’s no suggestion of self-care or rest, …
Self-love can become a difficult concept to not only adopt but to really understand.
What did it mean?
Why did it trigger me so much?
Why was I so resistant?
First – I think it had to be … being told what to do.
I was so protective of myself and how I operated because it was a method of survival for me.
I wasn’t ready to come out of the dark.
In the dark I had my anger, my know it all attitude, my hyper vigilance and my shield.
It was where I felt most comfortable.
I was also so tired of being so restricted and controlled by my parents that hearing someone else (even if it was just a post on Instagram) say ‘I needed something’ bothered me a lot.
I wanted to do things my way.
Even if that meant ignoring advice that would probably help me.
How could I ‘love myself first’ when putting myself first caused such physical discomfort and verbal altercations?
How would I explain spending money on masks, bath bombs and manicures?
How could I even do the bubble baths and face masks in a house where I didn’t even feel comfortable enough to let my guard down?
Everything about my perception of self- love felt so … girly, light … and unsafe.
I also knew nothing about self-care (which at that point, I definitely thought self-care defined self love) so I think out of that shame alone, I entirely avoided it.
Until I started on my healing journey, … and then I went ALL THE WAY IN with weekly blow outs and manicures, epsom salt baths in the few anxious minutes I had when I was home alone, spending $$$ on fancy green juices and pre-made salads.
I was so driven by doing the opposite of what was expected of me.
I was going to prove the world wrong.
And there was a part of me that really loved it.
I felt really pretty for the first time, probably in my life.
I felt in control, together and proud.
I thought I had the self-love/self-care thing down.
I did this for almost a year.
A weekly manicure, a weekly blow-out, a bi-weekly pedicure and a massive grocery bill full of green juices and charcoal lemonades.
So …the external was covered.
I had a flow. I loved the vibe. And thankfully was able to financially afford all of this.
But what I was missing was, … even though I looked great on the outside, I was still at war with myself on the inside.
I was over-worked.
I was around a lot of two-faced people.
I didn’t always speak up for myself.
I didn’t feel worthy of big opportunities.
I still panicked in social settings because I wasn’t comfortable with my own truth yet.
And even though I talked a big game, I was still doing a lot of shit that I didn’t want to.
I wasn’t trusting my intuition enough and also wasn’t solid in my conviction of standards I wanted around me, … so I let a lot of things go and I said yes to a lot of shit that I wasn’t full-heartedly connected to.
And I certainly did not enjoy my own company.
I was so externally driven and so motivated by doing the opposite of what I had been taught, … that I forgot to check in with myself to see if what my body actually needed.
What did my mind need? My soul need?
Because even though I had the hair, the skin, the nails, the clean car, … I wasn’t really having fun.
I was consistently fatigued and irritated with myself for being out of integrity.
And what I’ve learned after taking a step back from the glam and letting myself figure out who I was outside of all of that, …
Is that the truth about self-love is that it’s bigger than manicures and massages.
It’s positive self-talk, implementing boundaries and proper nutrition.
It’s setting yourself up for success, standing up for yourself and honoring your feelings even when others won’t.
It’s taking care of your mindset and doing what it takes to heal your heart.
It’s being kind, gentle and nurturing to yourself so you can then reflect that love outward.
Its patience, commitment and excitement towards who you are and all you will become.
It’s about investing in the right help so you can learn how to handle the stress, triggers and the abuse in a way that is less straining on the body and more nurturing to your soul.
It’s about being brave enough to do what you’ve never done just because you know it’s the healthier choice.
It’s about letting go of situations, friendships and relationships that are draining and imbalanced.
It’s about taking a break (WITHOUT SHAME) when you need to take a fucking break.
It’s about holding yourself accountable to what it is you said you want.
It’s about giving yourself and your healing a chance.
Self-love was everything I wasn’t willing to do yet because I wasn’t ready to let go of who I was before.
It was everything that I had to learn on my own and it took every ounce of strength, stamina, courage, faith and discipline I had.
But it’s also everything that has changed my life.
Ready to learn more from me? Please join my FREE FB group HERE + also sign up for the waitlist for my signature program; The Scapegoat Daughter’s Guide HERE where you’ll learn how to release the shame, guilt and paralyzing inner critic to finally become that clear, secure, and empowered women you’ve always wanted to be.