the inner work

post trauma paranoia

When your parent(s) treated you like shit and conditioned you to believe the world was a bad place as a way to keep you dependent, … then of course – that’s exactly how you’re going to see the world.

 

You then expect people to do fucked up things.

You expect men to walk out on you.

You expect women to be two faced and disloyal.

You take everything personally and assume that a delayed response must be that they don’t care.  

You don’t believe people can love you and treat you well.

You don’t trust that people will follow through on what they say they’re going to do.

 

 

The paranoia, the anxiety, the stress, the worry, the hyper vigilance.

It’s all very real after experiencing the horrific and devastating nature of narcissistic abuse.

 

And I was there.

What I expected, I most certainly got.

Female friends who betrayed me.

Men (boys) who couldn’t work through discomfort.

Flat tires, money stolen, broken promises. All. Of. It.

 

 

The almost breaking point for me was, I honestly was just tired of being tired.

The stress wears on you.

The fatigue is no fucking joke.

I was tired of being scared all of the time.

In constantly being so hell bent on being ahead of the next perceived attack.

I wanted to surrender.

But at that point, I didn’t feel safe to surrender because even then, … I was so paranoid about what would be used against me.

 

So I just carried on, …

Worried, stressed, anxious, hyper aware, assuming everyone was a bad person.

Joints were fucked. Diet was fucked. Skin was fucked.

 

Again, it was draining.

But it was what I knew.

It was where I was most comfortable.

With my shield and protecting myself at all costs.

 

Until, … I realized that the law of attraction is a real thing.

Addressing post trauma paranoia and my thoughts on how to navigate.
**PIN THIS ^

What I was expecting, I kept receiving over and over again.

So I questioned my beliefs, …

Why was I expecting that all people are shady and untrustworthy?

Why was I expecting that the world was a bad place and I would never be happy?

Why was I expecting inconsistent men and judgmental women?

 

Who told me this?

Where did this come from?

 

Which was HOLY FUCK moment number 1.

Not only did my mother and father verbally express that your best friend is your worst enemy … but they also really believed that.

That is what they showed my siblings and I.

To not trust. To not believe. To not be vulnerable.

And ironically enough, they also were the exact examples of what they told us to be on watch for;

 

They were mean, they were critical, they didn’t forgive, they were shady, they were two faced.

 

HOLY FUCK moment number 2 was … that the reason I didn’t trust anyone was mainly because I didn’t trust myself.

Not only did my parents lose my trust at a very young age (without repair,) I was also told at a young age that I was a liar and highly manipulative.

That I couldn’t handle responsibility and that I wouldn’t be good enough.

There was always more to learn and more ‘growing up’ to do.

I didn’t trust me with other people.

I didn’t trust me to handle conflict.

I didn’t trust me with my emotions.

I didn’t trust me not to get taken advantage of.

So I just never tried.

Way too afraid of feeling anymore pain and of the most expected ‘I told you sos’ – i’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

 

HOLY fuck moment number 3 was … realizing that if I ever was going to enjoy my life and have the friendships I wanted, the love I wanted, the career I wanted, the joy I wanted … — then I would have to start seeing things differently. They weren’t just going to come to me because I ‘wanted’ them. I had to do my part.

In this, I also learned that the only reason that I was conditioned to believe that the world was a bad place was an effort by mom to keep me dependent on her insight as a way to feel important and in control.

It was then on me to start from the inside out and start cleaning up the doom and gloom film over my eyes, … in order to start seeing the world with more opportunity.

 

There are of course real threats out there but it’s unhealthy and unappetizing to constantly stress and worry about what ‘might happen.’

I no longer wanted to waste anymore of my life in the adopted mindset from my mother.
I wanted to be free. I wanted to be present. I wanted to be excited.

 

Because the opposite is a fucking nightmare.

The second guessing, the roller coaster of emotions, the paranoia.

I didn’t want to live that way and I don’t believe you have to in order to move through the pain.

 

We have to understand that what we are receiving in life at this point is a direct reflection of what is happening within.

Secondly, we have to understand that trust and loyalty start on the inside. The only way we are going to ever to be able to recognize and attract trustworthy and loyal people, is by starting with the relationship with ourselves.

 

& lastly, … try to understand that because our parents were controlled by fear, … they went ahead and raised us with fear.

The fear keeps us small, contracted and constantly in fight or flight.

It’s on us to now give ourselves permission to step out of that and to realize that the post trauma paranoia you may be experiencing – is understandable but it can be temporary.

 

You can prioritize that.

You can unlearn that.

You can heal that.

 

This I know for sure.

 

XO

 

PS — please join my free FB group HERE and the waitlist HERE — for my signature coaching program, The Scapegoat Daughter’s Guide; where you’ll learn how to release the shame, guilt and paralyzing inner critic, for good. 

 

 

 

 

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