It can be sad to admit this but I went through most of my life convinced that if someone wanted to be around me, if a guy wanted to date me or if an employer thought highly of me – it was because they were doing me a favor.
I was conditioned to believe that I was extremely problematic.
That my thoughts weren’t interesting.
My opinions were foolish.
My perspective outlandish.
My efforts never enough.
And of course it angered me – but because I never stopped to think and understand my behavior– I ended up life attracting people who made me work for their acceptance and love.
Just like my mother and father.
I attracted avoidant bosses who were negative, inconsistently present and who often set others up for failure just to have a reason to be upset.
I attracted female friends who were naturally avoidant, out of integrity, never truly asked me how I was and often made solving their problems the sole purpose of our friendship.
I attracted men who didn’t know how to communicate, had substance abuse issues that were ‘under control’ and lacked the maturity to understand how their behavior can affect others without taking it personally.
It happened over and over again.
It was often confusing and sometimes devastating.
Yet I still kept interacting and because it was comfortable for me – it took me a long time to question it.
The dynamics also kept penetrating that wound and inner thought of me never being good enough.
I never felt pretty enough.
I took a lot of responsibility that wasn’t mine. (this was what I was good at)
I somehow believed that if I was any of these things, … people would change.
Maybe I could get better feedback.
Maybe I would feel less alone.
Even when things didn’t work out, I consistently believed that people felt relieved to be away from me.
That I was an annoying and needy complainer (projection from my mother) and that people feel way better without me around.
I remember those days very vividly and I wish I could give that girl a hug.
Mainly, because It never occurred to me that I was valuable.
That I was a good friend.
That I was worthy of consistency and extended effort.
That I was beautiful, interesting and fun to be around.
That I was funny and people could look forward to me.
That someone would ever miss me. Even if they never had the balls to tell me that.
I felt disposable, replaceable and pathetic.
It wasn’t until I was too exhausted not to get my shit together – that I realized how big of a fucking asset I am.
It took months of intentional alone time, reading, writing, crying, laughing, stepping into the fire, saying no to people I knew were only for my ego to finally enjoying my own company, … for me to start seeing things more clearly.
I was looking for the validation and acceptance that was never given by my parents.
I was looking to create that love and family that I’d never had.
I overlooked a lot and took on a lot as a result of feeling the responsibility of needing to be perfect in order to be accepted.
I kept my true feelings a secret out of fear of abandonment in that being honest meant ‘being too much’ and that someone else would walk away from me.
These were deeply rooted fears that were entirely real for me and maybe for you, too.
I finally had to stop over looking them and start taking on the responsibility of healing from within.
I needed to feel about myself in the way I only wished others would.
The most difficult part about that was doing something I’ve never seen.
I had no examples in my life of real, sustainable and grounded self-love.
I also never knew any females who had been through what I had been through and were feeling how I wanted to feel.
For the first time ever, I had to follow my own intuition without relying on someone else’s version of success to lead mine.
I had to create my own blueprint while always offering myself the space to change my mind.
I had to choose myself over hanging out with people who I knew I always regretted seeing the day after. (there were a lot of these)
I had to be in my own thoughts without needing to distract myself to see what was really being communicated internally.
I had to choose new behaviors that supported my bigger vision.
I had to set smaller more realistic goals and achieve them to begin to build the self respect and self-trust I was so brutally lacking.
I had to become my own mother, my own lover, my own best friend.
I had to fall in love with me and take care of my heart before I ever allowed myself to engage from a place of lack, again.
I had to take my healing seriously and understand that even includes the type of TV I watch.
I learned that I am more patient, kind, clear, focused and supportive than I ever thought.
That I’m incredibly disciplined, educated, intelligent and entirely lovable.
That I feel better around people who actively communicate and tell the truth.
People who take care of themselves and are happy for others when they win.
That being alone is different than being lonely.
That standards are fantastic but knowing your own worth is … is an entirely new level.
My goal is to show you an example of what this all looks like.
To give you a visual and a voice to help guide you through your own brutal but yet rewarding transformation.
It’s time you understand what it feels like to be the MVP in your own life.
It’s time you realize your worth, your value and your effortless contribution you make to this world by just being you.
I know it’s difficult to see that and to understand how worth it you are to hold yourself in this regard – but it’s possible and it’s there.
We just have to dig out all of the bullshit that’s clouding that vision.
I’ve done it.
Which means you can do it.
And I’ll be with you the entire way.
For extended support – Join me in the next round of The Scapegoat Daughter’s guide where you will learn more (true things) about yourself than you ever thought possible and all about my tips and insight into this massive world of healing. A true recipe for narcissistic abuse recovery success.
I’m living proof.
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