the inner work

what i’ve learned; summer ’19

The whole experience of going no contact and learning how to create a life for myself has been the most … liberating, exhausting, trying and challenging season of my life.

 

Not because I’m torn between my decision and battling whether or not it was the right one.

It was and I’ll never change my mind about that.

 

This season was about learning about myself.

Becoming comfortable with the silence.

Not second guessing my hard earned peace.

Allowing myself to say no without guilt.

Asking for what I want without needing to tie it up in a pretty ribbon for delivery.

Giving myself the opportunity to make connections with people I don’t have to shine less for.

Addressing this false identity that I was holding onto that I need to be rough and tough to get anyone to respect me.

Truly and finally learning what free really means.

 

I spent years of my life idealizing those around me.

I automatically assumed everyone was better than me.

More organized, more financially savvy, better with time management, prettier, cleaner, more articulate, more intelligent and definitely always had a better background than me.

I thought of myself exactly how my mother needed me to in order to make herself feel better;

Ineffective, naïve, young, inexperienced, reactive, emotional and wildly too intense to be accepted.

So I shined less, I asked for less, I compromised a lot ..

All out of this insane desire to be loved, seen and validated.

 

It drove my behavior for years.

 

And as I’m now healing more, relaxing more, resting more, laughing more, seeing the world in way brighter colors … (the shit that happens when you’re not at war everyday …)

I’m realizing that all of this was because I never saw my own value.

I was too busy focusing on building everyone else up only to be involved with people who were too wrapped up in their own shit to ever switch up the distribution of labor.  (I allowed this.)

It soaked up all of my energy and distracted me from facing my own insecurities.

I found purpose in their drama, their struggle, their demons.

It was where I was most comfortable and where I believed, was most effective.

 

And again, now as I’m healing more, … releasing more, cutting off the dead branches …

I’ve noticed so much about myself and the life I was living before … so many truths that I needed to see:

 

the truths i've discovered over this past summer.
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  1. I’ve always had my shit together I was just conditioned to believe that nothing I ever did was good enough. 
  2. My friends couldn’t see my value because they couldn’t see their own value.
  3. I attracted so much of the same energy that I grew up in. Avoidant personalities who lacked the capability of consistently holding space for someone else. Who decided to pick and choose when my strengths (that they benefited from) were too much or not.
  4. I was stagnant in my growth for a long time because those people who were in my life, that I thought were better than me, ironically put me on the same pedestal. (I believe I also wanted this as a way to avoid anyone who would me ask about the truth.) So as I was constantly adjusting to fit their comfort level, they put me on this pedestal as a way of justifying why they don’t do their own work. Later to use it as a way to self-sabotage our entire dynamic. This whole scenario (that happened multiple times) … penetrated the wounds I had about never being good enough. Now I can see clearly and understand that our childhood traumas attracted each other. I just decided to actively out grow mine and in turn out grew them, in the process. I stopped feeling sorry about that.
  5. Distracting myself with others people’s problems is not being a good friend. It’s another level of co-dependency and it completely takes me out of being in my own life. I take time with myself to understand what I am resisting in my own space, when this shows up again.
  6. That I was operating from a place of false humility. I shined less to manage how other people felt about me. I was worried that if I was too much of anything, I would lose ‘their support.’
  7. Learning to trust others after you’ve been brutally and consistently fucked over is no easy feat. I’ve learned to choose to show up lovingly and to believe the best in people even though some days it takes all I can give. But it’s working.
  8. I can accept others for who they are and still have my own needs. I can trust others to handle their own problems and understand that I don’t have to manage their to-do list in order to be supportive or valuable.
  9. Lastly, the most revealing point of all is … fully comprehending and believing that I’ve been this woman my entire life. An intelligent, supportive, ambitious, emotional and wildly loving woman. I’ve always had the capability of building my own business, having female friends who don’t compete with me, having romantic relationships that feel safe and exciting, a body I’m in love with and a mindset that is unshakeable. The difference between now and then is that I finally see my own value. I finally have taken the time away from the bullshit. I spent nights alone instead of being around people who choose gossip over growth. I spent days and nights, intentionally sacrificing what I thought was important, in order to shift my entire reality. The transformation I’ve worked my ass off for.

 

I’m now entering into the last part of the year feeling extraordinarily humble, blessed, clear and confident in who I am.

I spent time forgiving that woman I used to be for cutting herself off at the knees before ever giving her a chance to succeed.

I spent time forgiving myself for wanting love so so badly that I compromised and over looked big time red flags in order to just not feel alone.

I spent time forgiving myself for trying, over and over again, with the toxic people in my family because I chose to be so hell bent on potential rather than be with what was.

I was never dumb.

I was never naïve.

I learned that the grace and flexibility I offered to so many people in my life, … deserves to be thrown in my direction now.

The shit I have accomplished.

The pain I’ve combed through.

The strength I find in my darkest moments.

The truths I’m telling and continue to tell.

The fatigue I’ve surrendered to.

The apologies that I’ll never get.

The recognition that I’ll never receive.

The disappointment I’ve had to accept.

The heart I’ve had to massage back to life.

The cracks I’ve had to fill on my own.

 

All of this.

Was me.

Has been me.

And will always be me.

I just had to stop waiting for someone to co-sign what I now know to be true. 

I am the woman I’ve always thought was out of reach for me.

I am effective.

I am powerful.

I am clear.

Some days I’m fucking tired.

Some days I want to give up.

Some days I feel the best I’ve ever felt.

 

But none of that changes who I really am.

None of that changes what I’ve managed to do in the time that I have been given.

Realizing this has opened up a power in me that was only hidden from me due to projected self-limitations from those I allowed to influence me.

 

It’s now on me to use that power for good.

To continue to impact those who need to hear and experience it.

To continue to show up in my own life with the same love, commitment and excitement I graciously offer to others.

 

& I hope you’ll join me.

 

PS – If you’ve been struggling with confusion, self-doubt and managing your own paralyzing inner critic then I have THE solution for you. The Scapegoat Daughter’s Guide is my signature program that will help you uncover what it is that is standing in your way and how you can shift it —  so you can finally live a life with way less guilt and way wayyyy more goodness. Sign up for the waitlist HERE

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