If your upbringing was even remotely similar to mine, you’ve probably battled similar situations.
I was constantly told I was wrong.
I was constantly told I was cold-hearted.
I was constantly told I was too much.
That my feelings were invalid and that I was overreacting.
That if I let a door slam, I was disrespectful.
If I didn’t eat what was available, I was ungrateful.
If I didn’t clean and have things how my mother wanted them, I was inconsiderate.
If I accidentally dropped something on the floor while she was sleeping, I was doing it on purpose.
I was a liar.
I was manipulative.
I was mean.
I was selfish. (talk about projection)
And that persona I carried with me for most of my life.
I subconsciously adopted those beliefs.
I genuinely believed that I was a bad person.
That I was inconsiderate.
That I was selfish.
& I assumed everyone thought of me that way and I ended up attracting a lot of people who actually did. (no surprise)
I even started acting in those ways.
It was who I was, right?
And how convenient that the more I behaved like the villain …the easier it was for my mother to get people to believe it.
I shined less.
I spoke less.
I was never vulnerable.
I was mean.
I was judgmental.
Every time I had a thought, I second guessed myself.
Every time I had an emotion or wanted to ask a question, I doubted my truth and chose to internalize.
I was incredibly codependent.
I people pleased constantly.
I never said how I truly felt.
And I grew angrier and angrier as a result. (no wonder I was lashing out all the time.)
The strange part was, that I knew that the things my parents were doing were fucked up but I still believed I was part of the problem.
I still believed that I was part of the reason for it.
We become so good at taking responsibility because it was always our fault.
And as I grew older, I created the same reality.
I started to attract bosses who saw the worst in me.
I’ve had jobs where women constantly created this idea about me that wasn’t true.
I attracted men who never took responsibility for their own shit.
I attracted friendships where I apologized more times for being myself than I can honestly remember.
I attracted more and more people who valued my intensity when it benefited them but who hid when it came to holding them accountable.
I was so used to defending myself.
So used to believing I was part of the problem.
It’s because I wasn’t perfect, I thought.
Maybe I could have said that differently. I’m too intense.
Maybe if I wasn’t so needy they wouldn’t be acting that way. I’m too emotional.
I thought my behavior had to be perfect in order to get other people to treat me well. Not understanding that the same situation kept playing out.
So I continued.
Continued to constantly battle this demonic fictitious version of me that while it was exhausting – it was like muscle memory.
I knew how to rise above the opinions.
I knew how to be functional regardless.
I anticipated the hate, the shame and the two faced behavior.
But I always stayed put.
I could comprehend that what someone said or believed wasn’t true but I subconsciously still believed it.
I believed I was capable of all of it. That it was always somehow my fault.
It was painful. Over and over again.
But in reality, I was constantly battling this person that I was casted to play by my own mother.
This person she needed me to be in order to justify why she treated me the way that she did.
And it wasn’t until I spent months away from her,
Months away from friendships that didn’t have the space for me to be fully me,
Months away from men who thought honesty was too threatening,
Months away from jobs that were so unhealthy and drama driven,
That I’m finally able to truly see who I really am.
I am intense.
I swear a lot.
I’m wildly passionate about what I’m passionate about.
I’m an active listener.
I love to be intimately involved.
I’ve helped rescue over 15 cats and have kept most of them.
I’m extremely loving.
I’m happy for others when they succeed.
I’m sad with them when they are going through it.
I have incredible work ethic.
I turned my childhood pain into power and am impacting lives because I chose to step up.
Yes, I can be high strung.
Yes, I can be a control freak.
Yes, I feel a lot.
Yes, I pride myself on keeping it real all the fucking time.
And no I’m not perfect.
But I’m not a bad person and I won’t spend another second of my life entertaining that.
I now understand that shining less my entire life was only hurting myself.
I was meant to have this energy.
I was meant to have this power.
And I was going to keep learning that same lesson over and over again until I really learned it.
I now realize that in order for someone to have the space for me, they have to have the space for themselves.
I now realize that those who choose to see and find the worst in me are always going to find it.
I understand that someone constantly standing lovingly in truth can bring out the worst in other people who aren’t ready.
And I don’t say that with ego.
I say and see that without judgment and I keep it moving.
I don’t have to defend myself anymore.
No more pleading my case.
I realized that the only way people can argue with me about how good or bad I am is if I’m still arguing with me. And I’m giving that up.
I don’t have to be around people who want to believe I’m a piece of shit.
Who think that having boundaries means you are being selfish.
I don’t have to try to fit my square into someone else’s circle.
I only go where I feel good about it.
Where I can be me.
And feel, laugh, yell and be as intense as what feels appropriate to that moment.
And that all happens because I chose to create an environment where I can take up all the space I need.
I chose to leave behind a lot of shit that was casting shade over my light.
I chose to get to know myself.
I chose to look at the evidence and stop living out this false identity that no longer fits.
I chose me.
I am a good person after all.
I’ve always been.
All the intensity, emotions, fucks and passion combined.
The only difference is now I fucking love her.
and that’s what truly matters.
Do you struggle with this, too? Click here to schedule your free sesh with me and we’ll figure it out together xo