How I Went from Vogue to Eckhart Tolle

how i learned to make room for the feelings

I’m definitely a do-er.

I love getting shit done.

I love multi-tasking and going beyond what’s expected of me.

& I know where this came from.

My mom was ruthless about always being productive.

There was always more to do, more money to make, more cleaning to be done.

With so much, if not all of her focus, on the external and zero focus on feelings or emotions,

I then worked very hard, on the outside, to get her approval.

I got A .. after A.

Award after award.

(most often without her even noticing)

I moved quickly.

I thought quickly.

I had an answer for everything.

I cleaned a lot.

I performed a lot.

I solved problems a lot.

And I’m sure I started to notice what would make her happy, so I continued to perfect it.  

There was no opportunity to relax.

No opportunity to be human.

No opportunity to be … inconvenient.

Again, there was just no room for it.

And I mention all of this because this hustle and productivity obsession has definitely followed me my entire life.

I out work, out think, out read, out run, out write, out anything – anybody. All day, all the time.

Not even in a competitive way. More so,

if I’m not doing that, I’m not doing enough.

I’m not being enough.

No matter how I or my body really feels.


So when it came to healing, therapy … and the confirmation that my life was never normal and that I had a lot of unlearning to do,

You can bet your ass I googled everything.

I read it all.

I went to Barnes and Noble and bought handful after handful of books.

I was committed to the growth.
I was committed to the studying.  

I would do anything it took to be healthier than her.

To be different from her.

And while I’m beyond grateful for my fortitude and resilience because I wouldn’t be here without it, …

I definitely confused being productive with actually processing my feelings.

I assumed because I wasn’t bed ridden and isolating myself, … that I was doing great.

Until I tried to meditate for the first time and couldn’t get through the first minute without saying fuck this.

I was confused though.

But wait, .. I do all the work ..

why is this so weird.

I don’t want to witness my thoughts.

I don’t want to do a body scan.

Uh …this doesn’t feel good.

But wait, is that how I’m really feeling? Shit.

And while some could argue that I was doing the important work of educating myself and taking care of my life ..

The truth is, I wasn’t really taking care of my heart or my mind the way I thought I was.

The productivity was working for me until it couldn’t take me any farther.

And at that point it was just a distraction from what I needed to do to get my next level.

I had to learn to really feel.

I had to learn to go inside myself.

Outside of the studying.
Outside of the intellectual comprehension of attachment styles, self-sabotage and co-dependency.

I knew I was fucking smart but

I had to start acknowledging my actual feelings.

Oh my god, I didn’t want to.

I hated that it was a requirement.

But what you resist … will always persist.  

I didn’t like it.

My ego was challenged.

I didn’t like slowing down.

I didn’t like the space and all of the thoughts.

I wanted to stand up and start doing something – anything.

But, .. I was committed and that meant I had to admit and sit with the reality of;

I was upset,

I felt abandoned

I felt alone

I was disappointed

I was angry about never feeling good enough

I had to fully grieve the loss of the life I wanted

the life I lied about

I had to acknowledge what my reality was

I had to admit that it bothered me.

It was really uncomfortable.

Like wanting to crawl out of my skin uncomfortable.

It took awhile.

I had to bring forward the shadow of my feminine energy to balance the overly present masculine.

I had to uncover years of emotions that I knew were there but that I wanted to out-work.

I wanted to out smart them.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Believe me, as you can now tell, — I tried.

And while I still hustle hard and can multi-task like nobody’s business, …

I now have to be mindful of when the productivity is serving me and when it’s not.

It takes work but,

I finally stopped being so angry.

I stopped being so rigid.

I started having more fun.

More flexibility.

I learned that not feeling what I needed to feel was slowing me down and not the other way around.

I’m not afraid of sitting still anymore.

Because I chose to surrender and fully bring forward all that was happening behind my ‘perfect image,’

I can now access emotions I never thought possible.

I’m no longer strategizing my every move and needing to fill my every minute.

I can now feel, I can now process, I can now easily choose to let go.


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