How I Went from Vogue to Eckhart Tolle Relationships During Recovery

2018 has been huge for me

I started off the year in a lot of pain.

I actually remember crying to my sister on my living room floor on January 1st.

I was carrying so much weight and felt so alone in doing so.

It truly felt like everything was finally crashing down on me , ..

Even though it took weeks after that day to really see a difference, I remember saying to myself,

‘something needs to change.’ 

I honestly had no idea what it was or what it could be.

I just knew I needed to feel differently.

At the time, I remember thinking to myself that I had to give my sister a break in always having to be the one to help me out of the darkness and clarify my confusion.

I wish I could share her with all of you because of how supportive and influential she has been in all of me but the time had come where I had to become my own best friend.

I had to own and fully love who I was and lead with that energy.

I had to stop doubting myself and playing small.

I had to give her the space to focus on her own healing.

And I’m now here.

Almost 365 days later and there isn’t anyone in the world who can treat me better than how I treat me.

Who is more loyal to, proud or sure of me.

And with a sister like mine, that’s saying something. 

& girllllll —  it was not easy and there was definitely no plan to it but damn was it worth it.

I finally left behind the idea that someone outside of me knows what’s best for me,

I didn’t cave to advice that didn’t fit my mentality,

I didn’t surrender to accusations about me that were excessive but I knew in my heart weren’t true,

I cried a lot, I yelled a lot, I moved my body a lot,

I saw the darkest parts of me and worked on loving them anyway,

I took a risk and started a business on the one topic I know the most about,

which in turn was the most rapid, excruciatingly uncomfortable but necessary healing experience I could have ever asked for.

I learned that telling my truth that I so long held hostage, has brought extraordinary validation and healing to several other women and counting.

I accepted that I am that powerful and to not apologize for it.

I’ve witnessed clients who have become my friends transform in ways that you couldn’t put a price on.

I stopped making excuses for people who couldn’t show up for me,

I admitted to myself that a lot of the friendships that I had built were solely based on my effort and had to speak up if I was ever going to change that,

I lost my grandma who was the closest thing to a loving parent I’ve ever had,

I was able to travel twice to see one of my cousin’s graduate from middle school and then to accompany her in her grief followed by her incredible growth and expansion

I followed through on a financial plan and have managed to completely and successfully cut ties with my mother,

I started to have more space to care about things bigger than whatever drama was happening at home and had the energy to pursue them,

I voted in the primary election and felt wonderful about it,

I let someone take pictures of me for the first time ever and overcame this notion that I only belong behind the camera,

I’ve managed to shift my relationship with fear and doubt into a way more manageable one,

I stopped talking so much shit to myself about things that do not matter,

I learned that healthy people exist and that money doesn’t have to be gross,

I finally understood that perfection is bullshit and I’m right where I should be.

That I was chosen for my circumstances which only means I have the strength to overcome them.

And while 2018 has been a year of trial … and error

A year of, … yes and no

Of pain and success.

All that I’m SO GRATEFUL FOR.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited for what’s next .. 

In 2019 I am looking forward to;

Manifesting a relationship with a man that lights me up and balances me,

Eliminating the confusion on whether or not I am worthy of my desires,

No longer second guessing my thoughts, opinions or memories,

Balancing my body with rest, love and nutrition where I will have full access to all of my energy,

Building a fitness routine that works me for me and that I will be excitedly consistent with,

Continuing to build a home that feels warm, loving and comfortable,

Paying off the remainder of the debt that my mother put me in,

Resting when I am tired,

Listening to my intuition,

Trusting more and controlling less,

Meeting more women who suffer from narcissistic abuse and showing them how we can heal together.

Most importantly, I look forward to continuing to build this community and share with you all that I know and find out. Each and everyone of you is important to me and I couldn’t be where I am without you.

You, too, are worthy of a life that you have only ever dreamed of. 

Let yourself go there.

Really dream and think about it,

and then … think even bigger. Because yes, even THAT, you are worthy of.

And relentless carry that belief and energy into the new year.

I’ll be with you the whole time.

Cheers to you, cheers to me, cheers to our on-going healing.

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