Last year, in May 2017 – I went through a really intense break up with a man who I thought was my forever. Towards the end, things were consistently falling apart in his personal life and while I was doing well working on being supportive without being co-dependent, –it was the coping mechanisms he chose that were reckless and he refused to acknowledge the pain and struggle he kept putting our relationship and his family through.
The decision to say time-out, was mine.
His behavior seconds afterwards, was not.
PIN THIS ⇓
He was very angry and used other woman to get back at me.
He used a joint credit card for miscellaneous purposes to get my attention.
Not including, I worked at a place we met at (he wasn’t there anymore) – who used his social media fit as gossip and it created a lot of drama for me to stand through.
I now have a lot of compassion for what he was going through but then,
I couldn’t even ask him to stop or have a conversation because he had blocked me on everything. (I know)
This prevented me from being clear on what I was asking for and instead he took me choosing me very personally and decided to take me on the biggest ‘fuck-you’ ride I have ever been on.
Well, I suppose second biggest after the 28 years I spent with my mother. You understand!
Anyway, a few days in, I knew I had to do something to make it stop.
I was putting on a front that I had everything handled but the reality was, —
I was honestly in a lot of pain and I just needed some time to think and sort out everything that was happening.
Reaching out to him became useless.
Everything I knew suddenly had disappeared.
I was grieving a death of someone that everybody else could see but me. It was confusing and majorly exhausting.
So, I had to take control.
Which my future self is very fucking grateful for.
I made a drastic move and took myself off of social media completely for six months.
I never once opened the apps. I never looked over my photos or messages. And believe it or not, I never spent a second searching for him and allowing the bullshit to affect me anymore than what made sense.
A little less than a week after, the detox had truly begun.
And I didn’t know it at the time but it wasn’t just social media I was detoxing from.
It was jealousy, envy, anxiousness, doubt, fear, fear and oh my god – the fucking fear.
The farther away I was from the drama, the better I felt about myself.
I also didn’t want to watch all of these pretty girls live their amazing lives while I spent my mornings and afternoons trying to become functional. The envy was too poisonous to my process. I wanted to love and be happy for these girls but instead I was angry and resentful.
It was definitely difficult at first because as I am sure you can relate – who doesn’t go to their phone the second their mind is ‘free?’
Who doesn’t spend hours on Instagram going through highlight reels hoping one day you can have what that person has?
Or for fun – to watch videos or clips of funny moments to help you disconnect for a while.
I even had to download different apps for sports highlights.
It was over.
I spent the next 6 months without it.
I read every single day.
I walked outside every single day. I had to just to to keep the anger at bay.
I became a better eater.
I learned to choose a book over gossip.
Music over negativity.
I spent moments in complete silence knowing that there was more than what I was seeing.
Some days I could barely manage anything more than simple conversations.
I just had to stay open.
And it worked.
I think the best part of all of this was how well I got to know myself. I watched these awful thoughts and feelings circulate inside my head and the reaction my body felt every time.
I recognized that this was how I operated my entire life. The shame and hate I carried, day in and day out was so brutal on my self-esteem.
I was able to finally feel my feet on the ground and learn to listen to my muscles when they just need a break.
I learned that for me, taking a bath, is the ultimate meditation.
Several months later, I finally was able to look in the mirror and say, ‘you’re fucking amazing.’
Most of the time I believed myself and that was true progress.
I felt worthy, strong and very focused.
I still cried a lot and had to manage the pain but I didn’t run from it. Honestly, there was no where to go and I now know how much I needed it to be that way.
And then another one.
And another one.
And eventually, I started building this tool set .. and I realized I had a lot to say.
The education was eye-opening.
Each web I untangled was full of dusty truths I had kept hidden my entire life, and they all revealed parts of me that I was eager to meet.
Could I really be this sure of myself? OR .. Wow, so that is abuse. .I wasn’t crazy.
The more I removed, the clearer the path back to my heart.
Back to my body.
Back to what was real.
And before I knew it, — I started to feel secure and independent again.
I realized how true it is that everything we take in and everything we choose to hear has a severe impact on who we are and how we operate. Whether positive or negative.
And while it took a lot longer than 6 months to grieve my relationship.
What was most important was forming and solidifying the relationship with myself.
The time away from him and everything else gave me the opportunity to concentrate on my deepest wounds and clean them from the inside out.
I now trusted myself. Which opened up many healing opportunities for me.
I believed in myself. And believed my own words, thoughts, intentions and memories.
The years of gas lighting from my mother were finally (and excruciatingly) coming undone.
I felt a little more flexible.
A little prettier,
A little stronger
And a lot clearer.
Whoever says clarity isn’t one of their core values, hasn’t ever felt it.
I also had to admit a big truth.
Because most of the time when you’re going through shit, people will tell you to watch funny comedies or go get drinks with your girlfriends.
They’ll tell you, ‘feeling this way is normal. It just takes time. So many more fish in the sea. ‘
But somehow along the way, I knew that this feeling of helplessness and a loss of control was not new to me.
There were so many times that someone’s reaction to me defined my whole experience.
Simply put, I was so tired of being controlled by opinions and behaviors other than my own.
So instead of just relying on faith – I had to rely on action. I had to do what I had never done to get where I had never been.
Therefore, taking time away from distractions and low energy vibrations was crucial for me in my time of need.
I couldn’t mentally or physically afford to go backwards.
I needed intentional time to clear the space on my plate.
To figure out what still belonged and what needed to get the hell out.
And although social media can be a complete blessing. As you may know, I now run my own online coaching service business.
I realized how much I don’t actually need it to get by. It’s more of a tool for impact rather than a distraction from my reality.
Ultimately, what I’ve learned for sure is that, it is during our times of pain and struggle that we need to offer ourselves the most attention.
The most thoroughness.
The most patience.
The most love.
So when we get back to it, and re-introduce ourselves to the world, we are coming from a place of PURE gratitude.
And when you come from gratitude, all you want to do is share what you know.
Share what you learned.
And the love you gave to yourself, you’re now ready to give it in return with no strings attached.
You finally celebrate other successes without needing to feel bad for yourself in return.
You can cross people out of your life without needing to validate your reasoning.
All of this is because you will finally understand how it is you truly want to FEEL.
And you’ll know what it takes to get there.
Which takes hard work and discipline.
But once we are clear on what we want and how to feel, we are that much closer to knowing exactly how we do not want to feel.
And it is in that information, that you can quickly navigate potentially toxic, stressful or negative situations much faster and ultimately choose what feels good to you, unapologetically.
Which is the freedom we all have been denied but can now gift to ourselves.
Your biggest advocate x