If you have embarked on any kind of healing journey,
Whether accidental or not
Once you get to focusing on the roots of childhood,
You’ll begin to realize, after your patterns start to become clear to you, how many years you’ve spent riding out a story that didn’t belong to you.
That wasn’t you.
You may have pleased your life away for affection that was never consistent.
You may have performed perfectly for years, just for acknowledgement that was always out of reach.
You may have dated men or women who seem like such obvious wrong choices as you look back on it now.
Whatever it is, you may have said to yourself, something along the lines of;
“Damn. If only I learned this sooner.”
“I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life believing that, doing that.”
“I would be so much farther along if I just had more guidance. Better parents.”
And it can very debilitating. Frustrating. Shameful. Maybe embarrassing.
But it’s those emotions we attach to it, that keep us stuck and unable to move that energy.
It can create this victim-esque mindset of, they did this to me.
They ruined my life.
If only this happened differently, I wouldn’t be so much older learning this one thing that I could have learned when I was younger.
I would have been happier a long time ago.
I get it.
I still have those thoughts.
Especially in my moments where I notice the conditioning from my own childhood.
For example, in conversation, when I don’t understand what someone has said – I sometimes hesitate and it comes from never wanting to inconvenience anyone.
Damn, I should have been listening better.
If I was smarter, I wouldn’t need clarity.
PIN THIS ↓
& I previously associated anger with separation so I would stress myself out trying to use other words in their sentence to string it together. All to avoid them potentially ‘walking away’. (Do you see how much fear was in my decision making?)
Instead of just asking, “Do you mind please repeating what you just said? Do you mind explaining what you mean?”
Then rage would pass through me and I would think,
“God, if my mom was more loving, this shit wouldn’t be so hard for me. If she taught me to own who I was, this wouldn’t be so fucking hard for me. I would be smarter. I would be more desirable. I’m so tired of all of this. When is the learning curve going to end?”
(Do you notice the horrific self-dialogue?)
So many conversations I’ve lost the opportunity to make something of.
All due to believing on a deep, deep level that I was a problem, that I wasn’t worth it.
So, while most of our frustration and sadness around lost time is valid;
We have spent a huge section of our lives in a ton of pain
We may have found ourselves in mediocre friendships but at least they’ll never ask you about the truth
We may have hid from the world in order to protect ourselves because we just cannot imagine there being anyone that won’t want to take anything from us.
Anyone to treat us kindly.
OR we may have done the opposite and thrown ourselves into situations resembling the energy of our childhoods, just to feel the same punishment that is so familiar to us.
It is through my own painfully extraordinary evolution, that what I’ve learned to be true is that,
the more time I spend stressed out about my lost time, is actually the more time I’m missing out on recognizing my areas of growth and doing something about them.
And I know that saying that is one thing but believing it is a completely different story.
Insert repeating thought; ‘IF ONLY I HAD LEARNED THIS SOONER. If only I had known earlier, what I could have done with my life!’
So much time I spent behaving and believing certain things
So much time stressed out about going and being and making sure my mother was happy.
Only to get to where I am now and none of that matters to me.
I still get upset by how much I had to learn on my own.
Paying off a student loan with a degree I’ll never use, I had to work so much that I barely enjoyed being there.
Taking vitamins for inflammation in my wrists. Why didn’t’ she teach me to take care of my body?
Spending YEARS working through credit card debt with strategies that I acquired only through heart wrenching loss. Why did I let her spend so much money on my name? Why didn’t she teach me about interest rates?
But even so, I’ve trained myself to be grateful for it.
In a way that works for me. That allows me the freedom and flexibility to finally understand I’m right where I’m meant to be. And that’s by taking my power back. Taking responsibility for what happens now. Now I have the choice.
So I choose to be grateful for my circumstances,
For the years I spent living a life that was not my own.
Because I wouldn’t be able to talk to you.
I couldn’t relate to you on this struggle.
I wouldn’t be able to tell you that there is another side to this.
I’ve learned to trust that my life circumstances were chosen for me.
As yours were chosen for you.
Pain will pass through generations until someone is ready to feel, and we are those people.
We are that generation. Regardless of what year you were born.
And instead of spending more time being upset about it, being stuck about my age and what I’m learning now,
I can now look back at my most trying times;
The nights I spent balling my eyes out
The confusion I felt around men,
The anxiety I felt around women,
Feeling cheated out of a happy childhood,
Being frustrated that I don’t feel worthy of asking for what I want.
And I know that, yes – had my parents been more involved, I would be very different. My choices would have been very different.
Maybe the same for you.
But that isn’t for sure. Most importantly, it’s not my truth & it’s not yours.
There’s nothing we can change in terms of the past.
Accepting that, honoring that and working to shift the present instead, is one of the best gifts you will ever give to yourself.
So if you’re ever stuck in your head, angry at the world for the hand it’s dealt you,
Pissed off at your mother/father/ex girlfriend/boyfriend/old boss, ..
take a bath,
maybe even leave sticky note reminders so you’ll never forget that,
We are all meant to learn what we need to learn in the time that we need to learn it.
Own your stuff.
Accept your realities.
Be intentional about the recovery.
Value your time.
You won’t regret it. x